BikeStormer

It's the summer. Summer on a bike is great.

But soon it'll be winter again, I hate the winter, especially, if like me, you're not one of those awful fair-weather tits who suddenly arrives at BoxHill on an immaculate Ducati 1098 head to toe in a Dainese Bora leather Suit with spanking new and perfectly intact knee and toe sliders poncing up and down like he owns the fucking gaff only to slowly ride back to his mansion in Banstead and park his annually used machine next to his Bentley and fucking Porsche, the c**t.

I ride all year round, always have done, always will.

This is why the right gear is essential, if you're new to biking or are too scared to ride when it's drizzling or a bit nippy here are some tips for you.

Gloves, first point of contact, you can suffer a bit of a chill on your torso but once the fingers go you're fucked, in addition to not being able to control the bike it actually hurts. Spend loads.

Jacket, avoid leather, Gortex is better, it doesn't look as good but it's more usable. Save your money and get an all in one for high days and holidays, until then a good armoured Gortex jacket will look after you through thick and thin. And crashes.

Boots, I prefer Motocross ones but that's only because I'm hard. In addition to offering you the best protection they seem to have this uncanny habit of being warm and dry in the winter and let ones twinkle toes breathe in the summer. They can be a little cumbersome so I won't get too upset if you opt for the race variety.

Trousers must be leather; if it rains you can slip on some waterproofs. Trousers must be leather for two main reasons, firstly protection and secondly because even with Gortex they make you look cool. Mad Max cool.

Obviously you'll need a helmet too but that's, well, obvious. Arai probably make the best lids but wear a black visor, you're a biker, have some respect for yourself.

Oh, one tip for the summer. If you do opt for riding about in a fucking vest and shorts I don't care that you've the latest GSXR-1000 you look like a fucking arsehole. Please don't let me give the impression I'm saying that because it's patently unsafe to ride about like that and I'm some sort of safety nut, really, if you want to erase your arm to the marrow as you slide down the road that's your look out, actually, I 'd like to see that, I'd most likely stand there watching with a bonk-on applauding as you grazed past me, it's simply you look like a fucking twat, obviously a stupid one, that's a given, but, really, worse than the stockbroker in Banstead who takes his bike out once a year, as I suspect you do come to think about it. C**t.

Toodle pip.

Jamie Dwelly